Classic Quotes From Comedian Mitch Hedberg

Classic Quotes From Comedian Mitch Hedberg American stand-up comedian Mitch Hedberg was known for his quirky observations and dry delivery of fast one-liners that kept his audiences hustling to keep up with him. His friends claim he was the funniest person in the world. Whether or not you agree, youre bound to enjoy reading some of his classic remarks.   Mitch Hedbergs Thoughts on a Mechanized World I know a lot about cars. I can look at a cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. I like an escalator, man, cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an Escalator temporarily out of order sign, only Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Funny Things About Food I bought a donut, and they gave me a receipt. When will I ever need to prove I bought a donut? Some skeptical friend: Hey man! Dont you even act like I didnt buy this donut! I have the receipt ... damn ... I forgot it at home ...in the filing cabinet under D...for donut. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, Its cool, hes with me. My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If youre going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. On Relationships I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that. I dont have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. To Sleep Perchance to Dream You know, Im sick of following my dreams, man. Im just going to ask where theyre going and hook up with em later. I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord. Department of Health People who smoke cigarettes, they say You dont know how hard it is to quit smoking.  Yes,  I do. Its as hard as it is to start flossing. Someone handed me a picture and said, This is a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture of you is when you were younger. Heres a picture of me when Im older. Whered you get that camera man? I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too. My fake plants  died  because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedbergs Random Musings on Golf and Other Subjects Im not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. And thats way more satisfying. Youre supposed to yell Fore, but I was too busy mumbling There aint no way thats gonna hit him. I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I dont know why. Thats what theyre supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. You know, theres a fishing show on TV. They catch the fish, but they let it go. They dont want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch, do you like submarine  sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

Keeping it (un)real - Emphasis

Keeping it (un)real Keeping it (un)real Hes a shrewd one, that Sir Alan Sugar. As he announced in the opening episode of The Apprentice, he realises that knowing every word to Candle in the wind does not mean he is Elton John. Using our Suralan to Plain English dictionary, we see that his sensible if somewhat obvious point is that being able to say the right things will not automatically make you a success in business. But without even looking at how his hapless protgs walk the walk, its worth noting just how poorly they talk the talk. From business writing to business speaking, the distinction that must be made is between effective self-expression (which is vital from job interviews onwards) and meaningless buzzwords. That these two be kept separate is as fundamental as Sir Alan and Sir Elton not mixing up their night-on-the-town outfits. The question raised just before this series began airing was: is it appropriate, in this economic climate, to encourage the aggressive, money-grabbing ways that helped get us into this mess? Alternatively, will people tune into the programme for tips on how to get, or hold onto, a job? Whatever their motivation, tune in they have: over eight million viewers watched episode one. Sir Alan was quoted on www.telegraph.co.uk describing this years contestants as very bright and high calibre compared to what weve seen in the past. As a newcomer at series five then, I can only assume previous series have been populated entirely by briefcase-carrying chickens (with or without heads). There is a growing consensus that what is needed now is more of a back-to-basics approach. As Tim Worstall points out in Februarys Real Business magazine: [t]oo much of the economy lies in banking and financial services, and that what this situation calls for is the textbook entrepreneur, eg one who takes available economic resourcesand turns them to more productive uses. Similarly, Cassandra Jardine of the Telegraph wrote of the need for more literal apprentices, with just the small a. Aha. So, were looking at a difference between reality and reality television. (No, really.) In the real world, trust and teamwork are encouraged. And what has TA 2009 given us? On the team-building side: criticisms of a project manager who wasnt autocratic enough; and reference to colleagues as puppets. For cultivating business relationships, we have: business manager Mona belligerently telling a prospective client youve got it all wrong; sales consultant Debra snapping wed already bought it! at Sir Alan himself, when he dared question her teams buying of overpriced cleaning supplies; and Majid who didnt want to lose to girlsnot that Im sexist. And from trainee stockbroker Bens inappropriate and hyperbolic making money is better than sex, to moist-eyed Senior Commercial Manager James he of the success-flavoured spit, who trusted with my heart when I should have been looking with my eyes the whole batch is clearly aiming for the record of most words used to say nothing at all. For all that, long may we continue to watch The Apprentice (albeit often in mortification and through our fingers). Just not as a means of polishing ones communication skills: these people cant even polish cars. Perhaps we could add a disclaimer for anyone in any doubt: this is Big Brother in suits, not a seminar on business.